A thousand thousand reasons
Photo by Sami Hobbs on Unsplash. A woman sits on a mountain top, looking at the mountains and valleys in front of her.
'There are a thousand thousand reasons to live this life, every one of them sufficient.' Marilynne Robinson in 'Gilead', 2004.
‘I think that a happy, contented, ‘ordinary’ life as a childless [person] is a pretty massive achievement in itself….There is absolutely no need to become any form of Mother Teresa because you’re not a [parent].’ Jody Day in ‘Living the Life Unexpected’, 2016.
There are ‘a thousand thousand reasons to live this life’, but we sometimes think, and are often told, that there is just one, becoming a parent. That becoming a parent is the most meaningful thing we can do.
It’s certainly a shortcut to a life of meaning, but it’s not the only way.
Building our own paths
I have, and am still, building my own path to a life of meaning without children and, although it is hard work, and there are blocks and obstacles to overcome, when I am done, it will be mine, constructed from and by myself. I will not be dependent on anyone else for the meaning and value in my life. I have had help, and will continue to, but I am the wayfinder, the roadbuilder, the creator of my own life. There are no shortcuts, we walk it step by step, constructing the road as we go. There is no easy equation for us, child = meaning.
We have to walk step by step to our new future
And it is harder
And it takes longer
And we may not be able to do it alone.
But when we do it, when we realise we have walked each step of the way on a path of our own making, and we are beginning to move closer to, or to live our life of meaning, then we realise that the advantage of doing it this way is that it is not dependent on external circumstances but on our own qualities and is strong and constant. What we have made, cannot be taken away by the actions of others.
And, once you have summited the mountain, you won’t go back. Relying on ourselves to make our own life of meaning is building to last. Whereas the journey up the mountain may have been hard, and you may have felt like turning back, once you’ve reached the top, your future is stretched out before you, the future you created for yourself. Rest, and look at what you have achieved. There is no empty nest when you have built the nest yourself, created your own life of meaning. And it doesn’t need to be big or life changing. Making a meaningful life can be an inside job, small changes that no-one else might see straight away. It doesn’t matter how small the steps are.
Small steps to meaning
1. You’re on top of the mountain, exhausted but free, feeling the wind blowing your hair, the sun warming your back. Look down into the valley in front of you and visualise the future you want as a patchwork of fields and settlements – a map of your future life. Each patchwork square is different. One might be to do with work, one creativity, one relationships, they will be personal to you.
2. Choose the one patchwork square that’s calling you as a place to start and visualise your end goal as specifically as you can, for example, ‘I would like to be working fewer hours so there is time to do some volunteering, or to begin working on a short story or a piece of art.
3. Are there any inner or outer obstacles that might need support before you can start to move towards this patchwork square? You may have some unhelpful beliefs that need to be looked at, you may need to talk to friends, family members or colleagues, or find a course to go on.
4. Now start to think about the small steps that will get you to where you want to go and record them as a series of stepping stones across a river or footsteps on a map or something else that speaks to you. I often use post it notes. Make the first step as easy and small as possible, it’s absolutely right to start where you are.
5. Stop and check in with yourself about how all this feels. How are you doing? Is there anything else you need?
6. Take your first step and then stop to reflect on the bigger picture. How are you doing, are you starting in the right place? Remember your mountain top view. Do any of the steps need to be changed? Be compassionate to yourself, change is hard and mistakes are OK, and you may need to stop and rest along the way. There is no shame attached to resistance or finding it hard. There’s been enough shame.
7. Keep going at your own pace. Even if you feel you are going backwards or staying still, you will ultimately be going forwards, and it’s absolutely perfect to make the steps as small as you need them to be and to stop and rest for as long as you need.
8. Enjoy the journey, listen to your heart, and be kind to yourself. Going step by step may be slow, but the effects are long lasting, thought through, sustainable. You have taken every step yourself.
If I can help you to build your path to a life of meaning then please get in touch.