I don’t usually write blogs for people with children, but we are coming into a time of year that can be very challenging for your childless friends and relatives. Halloween. Bonfire Night. Thanksgiving. Diwali. Hanukkah. Christmas. Kwanzaa. New Year’s Eve. All have an emphasis on family and, often, children. And this can be hard. So I wanted to share a few tips that could be supportive to your childless friend or relative all year round, but especially between October and January.
Check in with your friends regularly. Childlessness can be a lonely place and childless people often feel their grief is silenced and they ‘aren’t allowed’ to talk about it. Let them know they can talk about it with you and show them this by asking them how they are, at tricky times of year, at any time of year. They may not feel able to come to you, so show your support by opening the conversation.
Try not to offer solutions – it’s very tempting to try and solve the ‘problem’ of childlessness, but you can’t. There probably isn’t a single thing you can suggest that the childless person hasn’t already thought of and suggestions mean you are not seeing them as they are, and honouring where they are in their journey. Try and listen more than you talk and gentle open questions can really help people to open up.
Your friend might find it hard to talk so please be patient. Shame and silence are often factors. Many childless people find that grief is compounded by shame. The grief of childlessness is often not seen or validated. Childless people feel invisible and can be scared to speak out for fear of having real and powerful feelings judged or invalidated. Childlessness can also bring up existential issues about life’s purpose, causing us to ask why we are here when we can’t have children.
Please don’t put pressure on childless people to help you with your children by babysitting, doing school pick ups, helping you pick out Christmas or birthday gifts, or in any other way. It’s fine to ask them if they can, but be willing to hear and honour a no, and let your friend know that it’s OK to say that. You could wait for them to offer their help or ask them gently, checking in where they are at or how it might feel for them. Your childless friends owe you nothing in this regard and expectations will be painful and could damage your friendship or relationship. If you are having a christening, baby naming or a child’s birthday party, please don’t exclude childless people but give them a get out clause – let them know they can say no or only come to a part of the event.
Try and put yourself in the shoes of a childless person living in a pronatalist world. There is a lot you can read and watch to help you (you’ll find some links at the bottom of the page). Triggers are everywhere. Every book, magazine, film, TV show and conversation at work often seems to be based on the assumption that everyone has children, and that the most important job in the world is to be a parent. Can you get a sense of how lonely, isolating and exhausting that might be for people who are childless not by choice? Many spaces, especially workplaces, do not feel safe, and triggers arise daily and without warning.
We get that being a parent, especially a single parent, is very hard, but please be mindful that what you might complain about, is the thing your friend and family member longs for – early mornings, midnight feeds, the school run… Be real, but please be sensitive too.
Please don’t get into comparison or competition – who is the most tired, or has the least money. Your childless friend is also allowed to be tired and to struggle financially, especially if they are both single and childless. A childless journey is an exhausting marathon, not just a brief sprint. Please don’t compare your childless friend to you and say they are less important, but value them for who they are, independent of whether they have children or not. Be careful of comments like, ‘as a parent, I…’ or referring to people as ‘parents’ before any other identity. It’s not the most important identity in society. It might not even be the most important thing about you. And childless people CAN know profound love – it’s not reserved for parents.
Childless people have been changed profoundly and permanently by their experience. They are not living the life you all did before you had children. Whether they have spent thousands on IVF, given up years of their lives to pursue adoption or struggled in silence without even having these opportunities, they have been impacted massively. Not having children can change them as profoundly as having them has changed you. Childless people are not the same and their lives are not the same, nor will they ever be. And childless grief can stay through the lifecycle. Grief changes, but it does not end – the multifaceted grief of involuntary childlessness will impact a person through different ages and stages of their lives and at different times of the year. For example, many childless people fear aging without the support of children.
No matter how long ago your friend’s journey ended, being childless not by choice will still be painful, especially if it is a grief that has been unexplored or pushed down as a way to survive. There is no time limit to grief, and none should be imposed. It is up to them to choose their time line and not you. Yes, grief changes but it doesn’t disappear altogether. Please don’t say, ‘I thought you’d be over this by now,’ or ‘should’ your childless friend – ‘you should be over this’. Honour where they are at. And if you are not sure – ask them. It won’t upset them more. In fact, it may help them feel heard and validated. Don’t tell them how they should feel, but listen to the feelings they actually have – they may surprise you.
A life without children is different, but just as valid and meaningful as a life with children. Believing this does not mean that you undermine, bypass or minimise the deep grief that childless people will feel to varying degrees for the rest of their lives but that you know, beyond the worst grief, a unique and meaningful life is completely possible.
