Hope is the thing with feathers
“Hope is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all - ”
These words by Emily Dickinson (1830-1886) never fail to move me, stir me and give me, yes, hope, and comfort. I have often sought and found comfort in the words of writers. They stand by me when all seems hopeless, they give me glimmers of hope that there is life beyond despair. When my last possibility for parenthood crashed to the ground, a friend sent me this poem, by William Ernest Henley (1849-1903). I remember muttering these words to myself like an invocation,
“I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul”
They gave me hope for a better future, a future which would, ‘find me unafraid’.
I have also been given great hope by the novels of J.R.R. Tolkien. His characters go on punishing journeys, from which they take time to recover, they live through times they would rather not, have experiences which mark them. However, they are sustained by powerful friendships and strong leaders. This conversation between Gandalf and Frodo has often sustained me when times are hard:
““I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.””
I am determined to always make the best possible decisions about what to do with the time that has been given me, even though in many ways, there have been things that I wish had not happened in my life. But it is comforting to think that all I have to do is decide what to do with the time that has been given me. And I will. And I do.
Living the Life Unexpected
There’s another writer I’d like to mention here, the founder of Gateway Women, Jody Day. Through her courses, her writing, her talks (including her Ted Talk) and her friendship, she has given me such hope over the years we have known each other that just writing these words brings emotion surging from my heart.
Her book, Living the Life Unexpected, (first crowdfunded for publication in 2013 and republished in a revised edition in 2016), has now been completely rewritten and will be published in a brand new edition on the 19th March 2020. I have had the honour of being involved from the very start, as I was one of the original crowdfunders, and for this fully revised edition, with pages and pages of new material, I was consulted for the LGBTQIA+ section and had my endorsement featured on the back pages.
Hope is a light in the dark
And it is all about hope. It’s right there on the front cover, in the title, ‘How to find hope, meaning and a fulfilling future without children’ and it’s right there in the introduction, ‘This is a book about hope,’.
Jody writes,
“Letting go of hope when you can’t see any other kind of hope ahead is terrifying, like swimming away from the shore in the dark without any idea when you’ll reach land again. Let this book be your lighthouse; let it be your hope in the dark.”
Hope is precious, and it is fragile, and it can feel as if it has deserted us in the depths of our despair and grief. I had to remind myself day after day that all was not lost even though I felt it was, even though I felt my life was over. I needed to know that there was still a life for me after childlessness, I needed hope, and I needed people from my tribe to give it to me, for only they had the deep insight into the hopelessness I was feeling, only they had the hard earned wisdom gained from that to help lead me out of the darkness.
Jody has been one of the people who has showed me, again and again, through her words and through the way she lives her life and through her deep kindness and compassion that there is hope, that there is a life beyond childlessness. Now I am living that life, I know that what she showed me is true.
I remember going to a workshop of hers after I had had the worst news of my life to date, and collapsing in tears and all she did was sit by me, and put her hand on my hand, and listen to me in my grief and anger and confusion, and make me feel I was not alone.
Jody says that, although we have to give up the hope of parenthood, that still means that there is still hope in our future. This book is a guide that will help us find it. As well as the practical activities and the wisdom, compassion and love, there is also an entirely new global resources section, including worldwide organisations, websites, support groups, books and blogs that is as wide and diverse as childless people are. It includes resources for people who are single, people who are in midlife and elderhood, people who are LGBTQIA+, people of colour, and people of a diversity of faiths.
One section that particularly matters to me is that about grieving childlessness for those who are LGBTQIA+. This has been a big part of my experience and I host a private subgroup of the Gateway Women Mighty Network for queer childless people to gain support and friendship from each other.
‘A light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out.’ JRR Tolkein
Jody ends the book with another, powerful message of hope,
“ Childlessness is not all of your story or the end of your story – it is the start of a new way of life – the life unexpected…there are as many ways to have a meaningful and fulfilling life without children as there are childless women. What yours looks like will be unique to you, just as your experience of motherhood would have been. And equally of value.”
She also says, back in the introduction, that ‘those of us who have already made this trip are waiting for you on the other side,’.
I am proud to say that this includes me. I am shining my hard-won light of hope into the darkness and I am here to walk alongside you and to be with you while you find your hope and find your life, the life unexpected.
There is an opportunity for one reader of my blog to receive a completely free, signed and personally dedicated copy of ‘Living the Life Unexpected’. If you would like to receive this, please comment below.
To pre-order the book, please click here.
To read Jody’s blog about the new edition of the book, please click here.
Here are all the other stops on Jody’s blog tour:
• March 2nd Lisa Manterfield (US) of Life Without Baby
• March 2nd The Full Stop Podcast (UK)
• March 2nd Berenice Smith (UK) at Walk in Our Shoes
• March 3rd Sarah Roberts (AUS) at The Empty Cradle
• March 3rd Katy Lindemann (UK) at The Uber Barrens Club
• March 4th Michael & Vickie (AUS) at Married & Childless
• March 5th Lizzie Lowrie (UK) author of Salt Water and Honey
• March 6th Katherine Baldwin (UK) at From Forty with Love
• March 7th Bamberlamb (UK) at It’s Inconceivable
• March 8th Jackie Shannon Hollis (US), author of ‘This Particular Happiness: A Childless Love Story’
• March 9th Catherine-Emmanuelle Delisle (CA) at www.femmesansenfant.com
• March 10th Tessa Broad (UK) author of “Dear You”
• March 11th Lori (CA) at The Road Less Travelled
• March 12th Lesley Pyne (UK) Author of “Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness”
• March 13th Sarah Lawrence (UK) at After The Storm
• March 13th Anne Brock (US) at Living in the Midst
• March 14th Gloria Labay Rodriguez (ES) at La Vida Sin Hijos
• March 15th Meriel Whale (UK), counsellor for childlessness
• March 16th Kate Kaufmann (US) author of ‘Do You Have Kids? Life When the Answer is No’
• March 17th Sarah Chamberlain (US) of Infertility Honesty
• March 18th Pamela Tsigdinos (US) of Silent Sorority
• March 18th Yvonne John (UK) at Finding My Plan B
• March 18th Sue Fagalde Lick (US) at Childless by Marriage
• March 18th Brandi Lytle (US) at Not So Mommy
• March 19th PUBLICATION DAY! Jody’s wrap up blog to close the tour