Take Heart
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash
India Knight
On Saturday 16th May in the Guardian, Laura Barton wrote in her very personal article about solo IVF: ‘Some years ago, the writer India Knight published a self-help book, In Your Prime, in which she discussed the way that in adulthood our lives diverge into two camps: the have-children and the have-nots. For those caught up in the business of parenthood, she wrote, “there is no especial pleasure to be had in a single and/or childless person banging on about the minutiae of their small, unpeopled little life”.
My first feelings when I read this were ones of fear and sadness – this is what I dread my life being – shortly followed by a fierce, powerful anger. How dare you, India. How dare you be so dismissive, so cruel, so lacking in every day humanity. How dare you diminish and belittle people who have struggled to make something of their lives after the crushing blow of involuntary childlessness? How dare you suggest that we are not worth listening to? How dare you suggest that our lives are small, and unpeopled?
There are many ways to have big lives, and having children is only one of them
Alternative lives
To counteract some of the damage that this may have caused to the one in five childless people, I have here some alternative lives, some of the big, peopled lives being lived by childless people across the world:
The founder of a worldwide event that actively encourages the childless community to share their stories, find their worth and own their childlessness
The music teacher, inspiring life-long learning and love of music-making to over a hundred musicians, young and old
The translator who enables authors to reach a wider audience, helps people who have fallen ill abroad by translating medical reports/records and supports causes she believes like Prague Pride
The woman who dedicates all her time to volunteering at the social enterprise named after the baby she lost which brings people together to grow organic flowers to inspire kindness and raise money for the local community, currently donating bouquets to people self isolating and to NHS staff
The freelance designer who got a MA after miscarriages and failed IVF and co produces the Full Stop podcast dedicated to empowering the big lives of the childless community which has over 6k* listeners and her colleague who retrained as a counsellor after a miscarriage, being told she’d never have children and then a hysterectomy
The writer, who leads writing for well-being workshops for childless-not-by-choice people and designs and delivers cyber crime awareness training helping young people and older people stay safe online
The academic and writer who has educated thousands of students inside and outside university and is now writing her second book on involuntary childlessness to help break the stigma and silence that surround it
The Tintagel Storyteller, writer and actor, honorary life member of Equity and ‘Mother’ of her local Equity Branch whose life is full of stories from all over the world which she shares every day with both children and adults.
The woman who has worked with society’s most vulnerable people from disabled children, people with mental health difficulties and people with addictions, who has helped people when they were at their lowest to lead rich fulfilling lives
The woman who cannot give birth to children but has given birth to creativity, owning two businesses, whose life is peopled by many souls with whom she celebrates joy, supports through adversity and challenges to triumph, who chooses to create positivity
As the woman who considers that she is developing richer, more authentic, fun and nurturing friendships as part of her journey through childlessness and a richer, more compassionate and playful relationship with herself and life says, ‘We do not shrink, we continue to expand, grow and flourish as we work through our grief.’
We matter
Dear India and all others reading this blog post, I hope that you can see that the lives of people who are childless not by choice are big and that they matter, and have always mattered and that they will not be diminished by the small minds of others, nor from their cruel and unthinking words.
Take heart
Take heart, those who walk this path with me, and with all the women who shared their words with me for this blog. Big and peopled lives are waiting for you.