How do I get through childless grief?
Photo by Mateusz Butkiewicz on Unsplash
The grief of childlessness can be hard to carry, hard to process. Society neither names nor understands it, and we can often feel we are left to carry it alone without knowing what to do, where to go. I’ve been lost in that grief myself, not knowing who to turn to or how to even try and explain what was happening to me.
This is what I wish I had known ten years ago.
You need to talk. You need to talk more. You need to explore the corners of this grief, the edges, the centre of it. It is as if you are on a beach where you are surrounded by the flotsam and jetsam left behind after the tide of grief moved over you, through you. That tide may still be coming in, going out, coming in again. You can lift the objects up, feel the grief that is beneath them, around them, touch them gently, sort them through. They are your precious offerings of your sadness, of your loss. Don’t be afraid, but if you are understandably so, find a companion if you can, a friend, a family member, a community whether online or face-to-face, a coach, a counsellor. You don’t need to be alone unless you would prefer it that way.
You still need to talk. Not everyone can listen, even if you want them too, but there are people who will and you will find them. Talk it over, every bit of it, tell your story and tell it again. It will change, they all do. Tell it every year perhaps, on the same day. Tell it until you are bored of telling it, and then tell it one more time. Tell it in different ways, with the immediacy of ‘I’, with the distance of ‘he’, ‘she’ or ‘they’.
Find your people,
those who know some or all of what you are going through. Your people will help you, whether you meet them online or face to face, singly or in groups. They are walking this path with you, beside you, behind you, further ahead. They will get it and some of the loneliness of loss may pass from you. Listen to their stories, hear their words, share your hard earned wisdom and revel in each others company, celebrating the good times, sharing in the hard ones.
Grieve extravagantly.
It’s the one thing I wish I had done more of. Let yourself cry, sob, weep, call out in your sorrow. It may feel uncomfortable, it may feel uncontrollable, it may feel odd as it is not usual or permitted in all cultures. But the pain of unshed tears has remained with me and in my experience, it is easier to allow yourself to feel grief when it occurs than to try and recreate it at a later time.
Learning
When the initial tide has passed, or while you are still in it, there is so much out there you can learn from. Whether you prefer books, articles, podcasts, blogs or courses (online or face to face), here is my top ten list of resources for childless people. And, as they say on Strictly, there are in no particular order other than that in which I remembered them:
1. Living the Life Unexpected - A childless journey we can all take with practical tasks, empathy and insight from Jody Day
2. The Full Stop Podcast - everything you need to know about being childless, with two female and one male presenters
3. The Pursuit of Motherhood - Jessica' Hepburn’s journey of coping with and survivng IVF when it doesn’t work (also her second book, 21 Miles)
4. Motherhood Missed - childless women’s stories edited by Lois Tonkin
5. Finding my Plan B blog - Woman of Colour, Yvonne John, writes about childlessness in a blog and a book
6. The Childless Circle interviews - Yvonne John and I talk to childless people (Part 2 and Part 3)
7. Not Writing but Blogging - Lesbian novelist, yoga teacher and trainee psychotherapist Stella Duffy blogs
8. World Childless Week - blogs, support, resources and a week of the year where childlessness is seen and heard globally
9. Courses from Gateway Women - face to face and online courses to help you to move through childlessness and find your tribe
10. The Lighthouse Women Online Community - an international online childless community
If I can support you at all to find your way through grief, then please do