Welcome Guest Blogger - Sarah Bagg
A woman with blonde hair and a blue top is looking at the camera and smiling. Next to her on a table is a vase of blue and white flowers.
Today is the last day of World Childless Week 2021, an international celebration of the stories and voices of childless people, an international network of support that spans the world. So I am delighted to, for the first time, welcome a guest blogger to my post, Saran Bagg (https://lifeloveandme.co.uk/). Sarah is a Life Coach and an artist who lives in Brighton, near me on the South Coast of the UK. It is my very great pleasure to introduce her thoughts on the often challenging issue of
Finding a place in your family as you embrace childlessness
and to say that my blog, ‘Invisible Legacies’ is also available on her website at https://lifeloveandme.co.uk/blog/. If you want to make contact with Sarah after reading her blog, her email address is sarah@lifeloveandme.co.uk.
(My blog is also available at https://worldchildlessweek.net/leaving-a-legacy-2021 )
So with no further ado, over to Sarah for her fascinating and thought provoking blog:
Finding a place in your family as you embrace childlessness
by Sarah Bagg
With the youngest member of our family now 10, and the oldest 81, this holiday has reminded me of the roller coaster journey we all go on at the different stages of our lives, and how grateful I am for special times to share like these, especially in light of the last 16 months.
As I approached this holiday, I did so with excitement, but also with a little trepidation. I'm sure most of you can understand, that bringing 16 family members together under one roof for a week could be a cause for some caution, but after a busy and challenging time it's just what we all needed. The change of pace and scenery was just the best tonic.
This holiday has made me reflect on the many parts of the childless not through choice community, that speak of their struggles leading up to and during family gatherings. There can be some many triggers for painful emotions, for instance if siblings have been fortunate enough to have children, which creates the joy of grandchildren for their parents, or perhaps you're an only child, which means parents have never experienced being a grandparent. Sometimes the lack of a partner in our lives also adds to what is already a difficult and often emotional maze to navigate during these types of events.
Many of these feelings have resonated with me over the last few years, but I'm pleased to say have lessened over time. However, some feelings have risen to the surface over the past year, probably influenced by the restrictions we've all faced, but because of them I have found the courage to work through them and work out a way forward. I'm not going to share the detail, as some things are best left private, but there are so observations that I think are key to share. I honestly believe that however hard you think those conversations may be, perhaps you think family members won't understand, or you just can't see a way through the pain. I can honestly say, I feel so much better for sharing my feelings, and although everyone's circumstances just perhaps you might too?
I don't really know why I felt able to have frank conversations, now of all times, but maybe it's been helped by my coaching training, giving me tools to help me work through my thoughts and potential blockers. Having time to think as also been a huge gift, but mainly I think it's because I feel more fulfilled than I have in some time. This has made me braver, and more confident on what I need to do/say and to navigate the ups and downs.
I hear many people within the community struggle with their feelings when surrounded by children, as it reminds them of what they don't have. I do understand those feelings, I used to look around and think, why don't I have that, that I'd failed. But now I realise that if you stop comparing yourself to others, and the pressures society puts on us regarding what we are led to believe is a 'successful' or 'happy life', then things start to take shape in your own unique way.
Honestly, I don't think I'll ever be able to say that I don't wish it had been different, but I do value the relationship I have with all of my nieces and nephews so much and know how fortunate I am to have them in my life. I'm sure if I didn't have them, I would find it so much harder, but no one knows anything about 'what if's'. I personally find it really important to stay present and work within the positives we do have, even though you may not be able to see them when working through your grief.
Obviously, this is my life, and so many childless not by choice woman have different circumstances to that of my own, but I know how important it is to have young people in my life.
So, when you think about your own family set up and the possible triggers you may experience, perhaps ask yourself what could you do to reframe the way you think, and how might that change improve your life? Who could you be without those thoughts?
One quote which I love so much, sums this up perfectly:
““ We must give up the life we had planned, in order to have the life that is waiting for us””