How has not becoming a mother changed me?
I was listening to an episode of Desert Island Discs and the presenter asked the guest the question,
“How has becoming a mother changed you? ”
This really made me think. I have always known that not becoming a mother when I longed for it, worked for it, sacrificed for it and prepared my heart and my home for it, changed me completely. In fact, I often think that not becoming a mother changed me as much as becoming a mother would have.
A year ago, I wrote in a blog for counsellors with children who were working with childless clients that they should be aware that:
“...not having children can change us as profoundly as having them. Childless people aren’t leading the lives that parents used to before they had children. Our experiences have changed us as profoundly and permanently as becoming a parent changes people. We are not the same and our lives are not the same, nor will they ever be.”
I completely stand by this statement and still believe it to be absolutely true. I know that I am not the same person as I was before my journey to try and have a child ended five years ago this month.
So how have I changed?
· I am more realistic and, I hope, wiser. I know that not all dreams come true and sometimes we are absolutely powerless to make them. This makes me more grateful for the good things I do have in my life, and gives me a fierce determination not to take them for granted. I know how fortunate I am to have a job that I love, to have a partner and friends, to have a home, to have wonderful companion animals, to live in a beautiful part of the world and to be mostly happy and I am grateful for all these things every day.
· I am kinder and more compassionate. I know what it is to have my heart broken, to feel utter despair and hopelessness, to feel that my life is not worth living and that I am not good enough and I am determined to keep my heart open to myself and to others, to be supportive and to reach out to others while taking care of my own needs.
· I am sometimes extremely anxious and worried in a way that I wasn’t before I tried to have a child. The process was extremely personally challenging beyond anything I had experienced before. I know that when these thoughts and feelings arise that I need to stop, pay attention and practice self care, that they are a signal that all is not well and one I have learned to listen to.
· I am more in love with the natural world and determined to care for it and for the creatures that live on it, the birds, animals, fish, insects and all other living beings. My compassion extends way beyond my family and friends, beyond the human race itself to this amazing planet and everything that lives and depends on it.
· I’m strong. I’ve survived grief, shame, fear and loss of all kinds. I know that I can withstand the hardest of times and find some good in my experiences, make something positive come out of them. I am resilient and confident in my resilience.
· I have an expanded awareness of what family is, I know it is not just adults and children. My family is a tribe of people and animals that all matter to me intensely, some are in my family of origin, some are family members I have been fortunate to meet on my journey through life and I love them all deeply.
I wanted to hear other voices in answering this question so reached out to other childless people to hear what they had to say about how not becoming a mother had changed them:
“Not becoming a mother has made me more empathic and aware of other people’s emotions... I seem to have a knack of knowing when people are having a hard time and in turn this makes people open up to me... it’s made me not afraid of other people’s tears or frustration... it’s made me more patient with people because we never truly know what others go through, do we? Not being a mother has taught me how to stick up for myself and fight my corner in the midst of pronatalist obsession. It’s also made me a lot more resilient and resourceful - and happy with my own company. I enjoy company but don’t ‘need’ other people, as navigating the path of a NoMo [not mother] has often been a lonely one with friends dropping off the radar once they have families.
MH”
“I’m more adventurous, calmer, my life is full of interesting things to do and not enough time to do them! I love animals all the more and I know who my friends are .... so I’m going for stronger, calmer, fitter!
EM”
“Having gone through a deluge of pain and heartache, I’m proud I’ve survived it all, depression, job-loss, disenfranchised grief etc,. And I’ve built a better life…in recent years I’ve become braver, tried new things, strengthened my most cherished friendships and accepted change, and seen much more clearly what gives me joy in my life.
KB”
“I honestly think its made me a deeper more compassionate creative being ...there’s no shallow water in childlessness. It made me get out of the rat race....I wasn’t having any babies so I didn’t see the need to sacrifice my time to it.
HLJ”
“I’m more connected to nature and my pets. I can sit and appreciate all the life in the world. I’m able to take part in taking care of the planet. I’ve learned there are so many other ways to nurture which do not have to exist only in motherhood.
TO”
“I would like to think that as a non-mother, I am concerned with the fair and equal treatment of all individuals regardless of their parental status. If I had become a parent, I might well have been missing this important insight because …. it seems to be virtually impossible for parents to think much beyond their immediate selves and their child-based needs. Whereas being childless has meant that I am sensitive to the multiple and diverse needs of many different folk, and things, and animals and the environment.
MCB”
“I think not being a mother has made more present and empathic. I would have been a very busy distant person were it not for CNBC stopping me in my tracks.
VM”
“I am looking at schooling for a new career path I never thought I would be able to do. Now without the distraction of kids, without the financial toll, without the stress of making sure they are safe and protected .... I am actually entertaining a career where I can give back to the community. Never thought more education was in my future, now I seem to crave it. I am able to give more empathy and more of my soul to the people around me than perhaps, my friends with kids could, and I love how I feel about that.
CT”
“For me, it means not living on such a tight deadline. Before, I felt like I had to conform to the Lifescript - college, job, marriage, house, children. I was more focused on stability than adventure or excitement. I wanted to make sure that I created a good home for my future-children and so I put a lot of stuff off or discredited it as not possible.
Now I’m considering going back to school to do something completely different and I’d like to live abroad again...this time with my husband. I want to focus more time on things that interest me and I’m less concerned about money (because who am I going to pass it down to anyways?).
I also feel more self-sufficient and independent. If my husband and I had had children, I probably would be working max part-time. I like being able to make the same amount of money as my husband because I feel like it doesn’t create that weird power-dynamic that sometimes happens when the mother has to give up her job...
CH”
“In going through childlessness, I’ve had to existentially fight my corner and I now know what sustains me and what I value. I’ve had to question the purpose of my existence and question what value I bring to the world. I’ve felt more ‘other’ and different from the societal norm and understood the lower value that society places on people without children. I’ve had to work out what nourishes me and identify and follow my passions. I’ve realised the value of connection and compassionate understanding from others. I’ve learned to be happy in my own skin and accept myself for who I am. I have learned to practice self-care and self-compassion, although I often still feel isolated and ‘other’. I’ve volunteered my time for, and raised money for charities which has brought real purpose. I’ve made new friends through childless support networks. I’m still the same person inside but I’m acutely aware that I might act differently to other women of my age, particularly when faced with social events. I’ve had to learn to protect myself from feeling ‘othered’ so I won’t attend a social gathering if I think it’s going to make me feel crap. And I’ve become less tolerant of friends and family who behave badly and take advantage of me - because I’ve realised that I’m worthy of being treated kindly and with respect. Perhaps work makes up more of my identity than it does for parents. So I’ve moved to a job which for me has real purpose and value. I’ve become infinitely more compassionate as a person. I have come to understand how important it is to find your tribe. I’ve got great comfort and companionship from the friends I’ve made in the community for childless women and I’ve found other kindred spirits in my local wildlife conservation group. I worry about the future and what will happen in older age. But that means I’ll take responsibility for my own life plans and choices when it comes to the time. Living more mindfully now, as well as consciously planning for older age will, I hope continue to bring a more connected, fulfilling and happier existence.
MB”
Thank you for reading this blog and I’d love to hear how not becoming a parent has changed you, if you would like to, please comment below.
If I can you to navigate your changed life then please do